A surprisingly high proportion of my clients and people I’ve met recently have had a really sh*t year.
Bereavements, serious health diagnoses, various issues with caring for children and aging parents.
Not to mention he-who-has-been-Tangoed getting elected again. (Great article called I’m Not American, But… by Sharon Hurley-Hall on the impact of this from a black woman’s perspective.)
You name it, something drastic and unpleasant has happened to someone you know.
So I thought I’d pull together a resource about how to run a business when life has served you a slice or three of crap pie.
I could’ve written this blog purely with my own experiences and suggestions- I’ve had a pretty rubbish year too, which I’ll tell you about in a bit.
But I wanted to include a selection of other voices to show you that, whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone.
There are resources, perspectives and teeny tiny actions that could help.
PLEASE NOTE: This is not a checklist to work through! It’s suggestions from a bunch of different people about what helped them and/or what helps their clients.
Have a browse and just pick one thing to try today. Or tomorrow. Or just think about. In fact, there’s absolutely zero pressure to do anything at all!
Oh and by the way, if you’re here expecting me to say ‘pull your socks up’ then you’ve come to the wrong place.
Before we dive into the nitty gritty, I wanted to give you a bit of context:
In 2023, my mum started feeling ill. She was feeling weak walking up hills and gradually her strength was draining away.
By the end of the year she was bed-bound and we were no further forward on understanding what was wrong. It was extremely stressful watching her wither away and I felt guilty that I was just carrying on with my business; turning up with my on-brand cheery content while she was possibly dying.
In January 2024, she collapsed and was taken into hospital. We got to the bottom of what they thought was the problem- some medication she was taking causing her to lose potassium at a rate of knots.
With that seemingly rectified I began to refocus on my business. But within a couple of weeks my fabulous mother-in-law got diagnosed with cancer and died a few months later.
At the time, I couldn’t fathom why it affected me so much. I was taking it harder than my husband!
He was getting through his loss by letting his business partner take the reins and he spent many a day on long bird photography walks. Walking in silence in nature is exactly what he needed.
And exactly what I didn’t do for myself when I feared my mum was dying. I just kept going. Just kept pushing. And then when I needed to hold down the fort at home, when Rich and my kids needed me. And when my business needed me to rally and be visible. I had nothing left to give.
I was trying to pour from an empty cup. But I couldn’t because I was utterly depleted.
This blog is an amalgamation of what I found to help me and a selection of advice and resources from other lovely souls, as a result of putting out this LinkedIn post. I haven’t been able to include everyone’s suggestions as it would have made for a very scrappy article! But here’s the link if you want to browse a bunch of wonderful humans being lovely.
1. Get help from people
Whatever you’re going through right now, do you allow yourself other people? Or, heaven forbid, ask directly for help!
Victoria Griffiths is a brand strategist who suggests seeking help from people who can hold space for you and give you tools to help you work through your internal responses.
“Therapists, coaches and spaces where there’s no judgement create space to connect with the things in your life that ground you. If you need to make adjustments and show up slightly differently for a while, do it.” She suggests.
Victoria also warns against making big business decisions (like ‘I can’t do this any more’) when you’re in a stressed or heightened emotional states, as it impairs your cognitive abilities.
“I knew that, but learned the hard way and lived to regret it!” Said Victoria. “Eventually, things do get better. You might come out of it changed, your life might look different but you are still you and you can still do great things.”
Which pretty much sums up why I’m creating this blog! I wanted a selection of experiences and resources for people to browse and come to the conclusion that there’s an end in sight. Sort of.
Laura Chamberlain– marketing professor, coach and career strategist said “when grief crashed into my life unexpectedly, it felt like being hit by a tsunami. As a business owner, the weight of responsibility becomes even heavier – there are people counting on you while you’re trying to navigate overwhelming personal loss.”
When you can’t see the wood for the trees, having a strategic partner – whether that’s a friend, colleague, mentor, or coach – is invaluable. Someone who can sit with you and help create a practical plan: what needs immediate attention, what can wait, what to delegate, and where to create efficiencies. I call this strategic triage. I’ve been on both sides of this equation, both receiving and providing this kind of support, and I’ve seen first-hand how it can transform an overwhelming situation into a manageable one.”
These experiences, combined with her work helping others navigate difficult times, led Laura to write her upcoming book on resilience. But it’s a different take on the topic. Laura explains; “Instead of viewing resilience as something we only call upon in tough times, I’m flipping the frame to show how we can build it proactively, as a positive force in our lives. It’s written for people like us, juggling businesses, life, and everything in between, offering a fresh perspective on how to build strength before we need it.
While the book isn’t out yet you can follow her on LinkedIn for updates on the launch and insights about building resilience in the meantime.
Kaye King, marketing mentor, says that her top tip is to be open and honest with your business friends. “If you’re trying to cover up how sh*t it is for you today, and claiming everything is brilliant, you’ll not only miss out on some much needed support, you might also prevent them from sharing their own sh*t too. And then you’ll both be holding in far more stress than you need to be. Sharing is caring, and we need much, much more of that in the world right now.”
Kevin Pollock, who’s a mental health first aider, echoes this sentiment saying that “showing your vulnerability is a very powerful accelerator of creating a safe psychological space for others to do the same. It often takes only one Mental Health First Aider to say they are struggling, then others feel they can do the same. It’s a sorry world right now but there is good out there.”
Clair Stevenson’s LinkedIn post proves this. She shared how exhausting it is running a business, especially going through perimenopause. And she got a huge response from people saying they’d been feeling the same way.
2. Take control of the inner narrative
One of the biggest benefits of working with some sort of coach-shaped-person or therapist is the perspective it gives you. Someone who’s not you can shine a light on unhelpful or circuitous ways of thinking.
Christian Baker, a business mindset coach, wrote an article for his clients with some mindset shifts to help recharge, refocus and realign.
So many of the things that I grasped at when I was in the thick of it are here in one tidy place with guiding videos too e.g. getting your body moving, practicing gratitude, using affirmations. Take a look at his article What to Do When Life Feels Like Too Much: 7 Simple Mindset Shifts & Strategies to Regain Balance here.
Liz Timoney, coach and trainer, works around the stories we tell ourselves and what we make it mean when crap happens to us.
“I also look at the characters we play (we have lots, not one true authentic self) and what the current character needs to feel right now to be okay. Not to keep it forever but to be okay that they are where they are (without acceptance we are stuck running on the spot trying to get away.)” Liz explains.
“Sometimes people find they have a better character to step in to handle the current situation. As I often say: you are not the same with your lover and your mother – hopefully! Neither is better, just better given the situation.”
One of the biggest most helpful mindset shifts you could do for yourself is to not be too hard on yourself. I had an overwhelming sense that I should be doing more- on all fronts. Business, looking after the kids, and somehow magic up a cure for my mum too. Which leads us to the importance of self compassion.
3. Self compassion
Lesley Waldron is a women’s health and mindset coach and was her mother’s main carer until earlier this year when she had to find a care home that could manage her Alzheimer’s. She also has two kids and is in perimenopause. Luckily she’s a highly qualified health coach with lots of experience in coaching perimenopausal people and is able to apply the techniques that she uses with her clients on herself.
“I’ve found that stress massively exacerbates the impact of my own perimenopause transition. More hot flushes, more sleep disruption, more aches and niggles, and itchy skin.” Says Lesley.
“Creating resilience is a huge part of the work I do with my clients. And I have needed those tools a LOT in my own journey.”
“Self compassion can be absolutely essential but needs cultivating, and self care can often mean different things when we’re in crisis mode.”
Resonate with this? Have a read of her blogs The Myth That We Can Do it All and 8 simple strategies to help with overwhelm.
From managing my own ‘messy’ life and speaking to friends, colleagues and clients, one thing is crystal clear- being hard on yourself will not get you anywhere.
I love this post by Lu Castello. They’re modelling self compassion and going at their own pace.
Just after we got to the bottom of what was wrong with mum, I got hit with a series of really nasty bugs.
One of them was some sort of norovirus that meant I was bed ridden and couldn’t hold down even a sip of water for 24 hours. I’ve never been so ill!
A week later, and still feeling very weak, I dragged myself out to a networking thing where I met two high-flying leadership coaches.
I asked them about what they’d suggest to their clients when they’re very ill like that.
One of them said that they’d tell them to suck it up and carry on working. (I LITERALLY couldn’t!)
And then he recounted a tale about when his wife was diagnosed with cancer. When his clients found out, they wanted to give him space and suggested pausing their work together. The coach’s response? ‘No way José! I’ve got a business to run and so have you’.
What do you think about that? I think that that person’s children probably really needed him and he was probably emotionally (and physically?) not present for them. I also wonder if this is an example of numbing yourself with work.
My ethos is more in line with Louise Miller, a productivity mentor and time wizard (that’s what I call her) who believes you should be kind to yourself at all times, not just when you’re going through the mill.
She suggests stepping back and getting your priorities in line:
“When things are tough, you won’t be able to maintain your usual level of productivity, and that’s ok. So give yourself permission to intentionally let some things go.”
4. Feel the feelings
Another thing that I grasped onto when I felt that tension between feeling like not doing anything and feeling like I should just stop moping and crack on was ‘feel the feelings’. I saw it repeated in everything I read about grieving and recovery.
Kathryn Ho, coach for creatives and business owners has written a beautiful blog about Navigating loss whilst running a business.
“Just experiencing your thoughts and emotions will take a lot of energy.” She writes. “You can’t change this terrible experience, but you can be as kind to yourself as possible during this time. Your resilience and courage is founded on your ability to listen to yourself and be kind.”
Vicky Quinn Fraser, book coach and author, agrees with this approach.
One of the tools she uses is a Burn Book — a concept that a coach of hers, Rachel Turner, taught her; and originally taken from the film Mean Girls.
She uses this technique with her writing clients to unlock their best ideas and to help them figure out what they’re scared of and what’s stopping them from writing.
But you can use it when something horrible is happening too; to get all those emotions down on the page.
“Get wrathful and write it out. Write it like nobody will ever read it (because they won’t) and like you’re going to burn it afterwards. You can say the most horrific, heinous things that you’d never put into a public forum. You can say things you’re scared to say out loud in case you get yelled at.”
Vicky actually wrote a book called Don’t Eat The Frog! as the result of a Burn Book entry reacting to a guy on LinkedIn telling people to ‘eat the frog’ to get more done. (Eat The Frog is a book by Brian Tracy)
Vicky says “No shade to him or people for whom this advice works, but for me? It’s aggressively unhelpful. For people with brains like mine (AuDHD) who struggle with executive function, it won’t work. Worse, it’s shaming. The underlying message from these “experts” is that I’m just not trying hard enough. That I am lazy, broken, and generally shit. That, my friend, gave me the rage.”
5. Allow your priorities to change
Yolanda Sissing suffered the loss of her mum during Covid and has found that she’s had to adapt what she planned to get done.
“I’ve changed my priorities along the way, really spent time understanding my energy output and trusting the network I’ve surrounded myself with. Yes, it’s been brutal at times, but I think I’m realising in the next few decades of my life, I can’t help anyone unless I have my oxygen mask on first. The loss and life coexist but the lens keeps changing.”
She also advocates therapy and learning to lean into the discomfort. I resonate with this. When I was reeling from my mum’s illness and the death of my mother-in-law, I started working with a therapy style coach. Digging into my childhood scripts and finally doing that deep inner work really helped.
Louise Miller has shared a few simple steps to relieve the pressure of your workstack:
- Instead of sitting at your computer and trying to keep going, make yourself a cuppa, step away from your desk and sit somewhere comfy with your calendar and your to-do list.
- First, look at your calendar. Is there anything there you can let go of to give yourself a little extra space? People will understand if you ask to postpone a call.
- Now, look at your to-do list. Which are the tasks that absolutely have to happen? And which can wait? Is there anything on your list that you could delegate to someone else?
- Once you’ve done that thinking, you can create a new, minimalist to-do list that contains only the things you’ve decided need to be done to keep your business running. That means that when you ARE able to focus, you can make sure you’re directing your energy towards the things that are important.
“It’s hard to predict when you’ll be able to focus during tough times, so my biggest piece of advice is to go with the flow. When you’re feeling productive, pick up that minimalist list and see what you can get done. And when you notice yourself getting distracted or feeling tired, step away and get some rest.”
“Pushing through or forcing yourself to stay glued to your computer when you can’t think straight will always be counterproductive. It’s far better (for your wellbeing AND your productivity) to get out for a walk, take a nap or call a friend for a chat.“
If you find yourself thinking that you’re not doing enough, listen to this 3-minute episode of Louise’s podcast, Unfrazzle where she explains why that sort of self pressure isn’t helpful. She also suggests what you can do instead.
6. Move your body
After a close family bereavement and parents who have deteriorating health conditions, Claire Thorpe switched her focus from being a business coach to a somatic coach. “I realised how much impact this work had had on myself this past year, I wanted it to be the main thing I pass on to others who are experiencing similar struggles behind the scenes of business.”
She’s written a really helpful blog called three simple ways to grow your nervous system resiliency that has some practical exercises that you can use whether you’re in crisis mode or whether you just want to be able to stop being over-reactive to life blips. Read more about her work here.
A useful and well established habit that helped me was Pilates and regular long walks. I’m a member of Louise Humphrey’s Studio 44 Pilates online membership and I was able to keep going twice a week.
You have to do what YOU enjoy though. If you usually feel amazing after a run or lifting weights or rock climbing, but you’ve put it on the back-burner because of life events, could you put a session in your diary and honour it, knowing how good it’ll feel having used your body?
Walking and Pilates are my medicine. Even knowing this, I’d still get the urge to avoid a long walk if it’s bad weather or if I’m feeling tired. But I’m getting better at going no matter what.
7. Prepare if you can
What happens when a sudden bereavement takes the ground out from under you, but you have clients who need you? That happened to Lucy Davies, the consultant coach, in 2020, and again in 2023.
“In late 2023, my Mum was taken ill very suddenly, and I needed to literally stop everything and care for her. It was simultaneously the longest and shortest month of my life, until very sadly she died not long before Christmas. It was a traumatic episode and to manage my own mental health I then needed a significant time to grieve and recover.
What I’d learned, from four years earlier when we lost Dad, is that clients are very forgiving, if you’ve nurtured the relationship and are as open and upfront with them as possible. Even though I had to pull out of a big contract with zero notice, I managed it without loss of reputation and with an open invitation to return when I was ready.
The other big worry is money. With zero revenue coming in, and an unknown wait until I’d be ready to work again, my business needed to be resilient enough to cover its own expenses… and pay me so that I could still pay the mortgage and feed the kids!
That’s where business savings come in. As a rule of thumb, I save 25% of every single pay check – to cover taxes and also provide a safety net so that my salary still gets paid, even between contracts.
So, despite riding the emotional roller coaster personally, I knew my business would bounce back, and the bailiff wouldn’t be knocking on the door while I coped with far more important things. It’s about planning ahead and being prepared for the unexpected.”
As a result of that safety net that helped her so much, Lucy now offers her clients advice on how to protect their business when the unexpected hits. She’s turned this into a free guide that walks you through exactly what to do.
Download it here; 10 essential actions for every business owner who wants to know their business (and income) will survive an unexpected life event.
Bob Gentle, LeaderBrand™ Business Strategist, once said something to me about how we all know we’re going to get overwhelmed at some point. But that we act like it’s not going to happen.
The same goes for tough times. Logically we know that life isn’t going to be sunshine and roses with no nasty things ever happening to us, but we act like that’s the case.
As we navigate through life, we know hard times will come. It’s a natural part of life. So prepare for it if you can.
I have a morning ritual that I do every work day. Because it was so ingrained I was able to continue with it even when things got hard:
- Affirmations: I have some affirmations I write out that are in line with my values and goals
- Positive reinforcement: List a few successes from the previous day – even if it’s just ‘did the washing’!
- Gratitude: Write out a few things that I’m thankful for
- Bitesized actions: Write a very short and realistic to do list for the day
- Meditation: And finally I meditate using Calm for 10 mins.
N.B. I’ve built this routine up over years. Trying to launch yourself into a set of habits like this when your life is in turmoil might cause you more harm than good. I include it to say that doing this sort of self supporting routine can help during tough times if the routine is already established.
What next?
Sorry Billy Ocean, I disagree that that when the going gets tough, the tough should get going. Unless the tough want to collapse in a heap, burned out and emotionally scarred…
I believe the tough should get self-compassionate! And be realistic about what they can achieve so that they can get the important things done with what limited energy they have.
Even if that important thing is going for a walk or staring out of the window with a cup of tea for ten minutes.
Let’s be clear- reading a blog isn’t going to solve all your problems, but hopefully you’ll see that you’re not alone, that there is help out there if you’re ready for it. And perhaps you’ll come away with a little technique to try or a new perspective that’ll be just one small step back to you.